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February 5th, 2008

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Drinky
Name
Clint Harris

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February 5th, 2008

Yes, I know I'm behind on this.  Fantastic Four came out what, three years ago?  And now there is a sequel?  Fine.  I'm doing this anyway.

They other day, I watched this steaming pile of crap on cable.  I used to be a fan of the comics, when I was fighting strep or the flu and my mom would buy a Fantastic Four comic when she picked up my prescription at the pharmacy.   So, being sick at home, what better way to whittle away the afternoon than to watch Fantastic Four on TV? It would be like old times.

I hate being wrong.

I really like the Thing. What's not to like?  He's orange, he's big and made of rocks.  When Orange Crush came out, I thought it had possibly been inspired by the Thing. Apparently the Thing was changed to the Commish in an orange foam suit in the least convincing make-up role since Weird Al appeared in his video for "Fat" in the mid-1980's.  Not bagging on the Commish.  I've seen him on the Shield and think his intensity is proven.  It's the movie that sucked for Mr. Chichlis. 

And the rest of the cast.  Ioan Gryffidd (sorry, I'm not up to my Welsh translation of Ian Griffith today so I'll be snarky about it), is wasted here.  If you've ever seen the Forsyte Saga, you'll see what he's truly capable of.  Jessica Alba is there to tease the dirty old men and the tweens since she might become visible when she's naked.  Big fat deal. She still can't act and doesn't have anywhere near the sex appeal of Scarlett Johanssen or Eva Green or Jennifer Garner.  hmmm....anyway.  And then there is Dr. Otto Van Doom, you know, Christian from Nip/Tuck?  Christian is a much more sinister character than this guy.  And then there's Johnny Storm, whose superhero abilities include heating up Little Juan microwave burritos.

I have reviewed movies with much more subtlety and clever language, but I will give F4 this one instead. Because like the director, I'm not even going to try.  The movie doesn't know what it wants to be.  It's a fish out of water story, with would-be heroes coming to terms with new abilities in wacky ways!  It's a comedy, since sometimes...er...pretty much all the time, they wind up naked as a result.  Everyone knows naked is funny in the world of PG-13.  By the way, the movie is a drama too!  The Thing is sad 'cause hot blind chick wants him.  Or Jessica Alba turns invisible when she's sad.  Or Johnny Storm can't get laid at a party.  Which makes him sad. Time to cowboy up and become superheroes!  Pbbbbtttt!!!!!!!!

This movie is a suck-fest of the worst kind.  Only the last ten minutes offer any action and five minutes of that is a blurry CGI tornado around Dr. Doom.  Then everyone is happy.  I hear the sequel is much the same, only their powers get switched!  So am I right in thinking the plot lines have been cribbed from Disney now?  What's next?  The Thing goes to summer camp and discovers he has a long-lost twin, and together they will try to reunite their parents by trading places?  How about Johnny Storm buys a dog, loves it, and eventually has to shoot it because it goes rabid....the plot lines are virtually limitless.

God, I hated this movie.  If I die and go to hell, I'll probably have to watch this movie a few times.  I'm going to ratesome superhero movies here.  Best to worst. F4 finds its way in the heirarchy somewhere.  Can you spot it?

The Crow (no need to explain.  This was the ONLY Crow movie every made)
Hellboy (it's Hellboy, and there are Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds songs in the soundtrack)
Batman Begins (Batman finally done right after so long)
Highlander (there can be only ONE)
Heroes (TV series.  Excellent)
Batman (Pre-rubber nipples, post felt ears)
Batman Returns (Michelle Pfeiffer hmm....)
Iron Man (trailer) (With his Boots of Lead...well, you know the rest)
Swamp Thing (1 or 2) (Adrian Barbeau AND Swampy!)
Greatest American Hero (William Kat's blonde afro and every kid's dream of becoming a superhero...believe it or not!)
Elektra (Jennifer Garner in a red corset)
Supergirl (Helen Slater, the super girl next door)
The Matrix
Tank Girl
X-Men (1,2,or 3) tie (not great, but Hugh Jackman rules as Wolverine)
Superfuzz (Just fun all around in it's dubbed over 1970's glory)
Superbad (McLovin!)
Hancock (trailer)
Constantine (neat concept.  Well shot.  Waiter, there's a Keanu in this...)
V for Vendetta (it was better before V started using only words that start with V)
Barb Wire (Casablanca for the retarded)
Punisher (with Dolph Lungren) (underrated movie, with (thankfully) no Nickelback soundtrack)
The Rocketeer
The Phantom
The Shadow
League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (Sean Connery is a badass mofo but the rest of the movie was terrible)
Spiderman (1,2,or 3) (I wanted to like it.  I really  really did)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (the end of the rubber suit era...until Fantastic Four at least)
My Super Ex-Girlfriend
Blade (take your pick, they all sucked...literally!)
Hulk (I wish I could quit you, Hulk)
The Hulk TV series
Daredevil (justice is blind, deaf, and boring)
Fantastic Four (read the review above)
Transformers (There is a Hell, and Michael Bay is the devil)
Superman Returns (not bad.  At least there was no Margot Kidder)
Superman 1-4 (oh how I hate Margot Kidder)


Nope, not quite the bottom of the barrel.  We have Supermen 1-4 to thank for that.
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